what was she to do now?

você está saindo da minha vida

e parece que vai demorar

se não souber voltar, ao menos mande notícia

cê acha que eu sou louca

mas tudo vai se encaixar

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she avoided contact. she moved from personal and upclose talks to cold mechanical messages. she moved from ultra intimacy to plain ignoring. she took other routes on her way to college. she changed the ipod playlist. she read new books, she watched new movies. and she talked about new subjects to her old friends. she avoided it. she feared it. the memory.

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she was someone new. not really sure how or what kind of 'someone'. but she felt new. she knew she could never go back to what she used to be before it all. she longed to move out. she chose a few locations in canada. she searched for places to study and develop her academic skills. she felt she needed to explore different places and meet new people. far, far away from here. she felt trapped here.

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in order to find who she truly was, she felt she must leave. soon.

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why haven't she ever felt like that before? why is she so scared of walking by herself in her own neighborhood? this is nonsense. this is bullshit. her head is full of nonsense. the smallest thing may activate the worst thought.

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an impersonal message wrecked her brain badly these past days.

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she feared it. whatever it was. she feared it badly. to see. to feel. again.

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for a while now she noticed she felt nothing. she spent her days feeling nothing at all. she felt no pain. but she also felt no happiness. she laughed with and at people. but, in the same intensity, she could cry all alone at night. she felt nothing towards men. no warm feelings. no sexual attraction. nothing at all. she could not feel a dime of love if she wanted to.

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she had disturbing dreams. she woke up choked. she felt like drowing. she could not breathe.

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yet, not happy or sad. anguished, maybe. but not happy. nor sad. trying to escape something she didn't really know.

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changing database of her life was not working anylonger. what was she to do now?

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e não adianta nem me procurar

em outros timbres, outros risos

eu estava aqui o tempo todo

só você não viu

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ouvindo: na sua estante - pitty.